‘You have to eat regularly’, she said. ’That’s it. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.’
And it is. And it’s not. And my head spins and I cry. I cry so hard and for so long that I get a headache that carries from night all the way through today. The sun peaks through the gap between the window and curtain. I turn over and pull the doona over my head. I wake again and it’s 4pm.
It’s as simple and as difficult as that. I know. I KNOW. Three meals, three snacks, fluids and meds. Repeat ever after.
But I haven’t eaten in this way, consistently, for over ten years. To do so, or even think about it, feels overwhelming, daunting, so close to impossible that it causes me to lose whole days to crying (see above). It’s too hard to change. I can’t do it. I’ll never be able to do it.
But what if you can do it? What if you tried?
What if life could be about things other than my body? And what if food held its’ rightful place as just that- food, a source of energy, nothing more? What if all the power I give to food and weight could be redirected to all the other things in my life? What then?
I feel as though it might be time to give it another go. I’m living in a state of constant battle with a Negative Voice that tells me to kill myself, and a tiny yet incredibly tenacious voice that says, keep going. If there was ever a time to fight for myself, this is it. She’s in there, that minuscule spark of light, that quiet voice of courage speaking her truth. What if I fed her, fed myself, instead of trying to starve out the Negative Voice?
What if I tried?
Let the record show, I am going to try again. I am giving it another go.
It’s as simple and as difficult as that.