So much of my life has been all or nothing. Only ever two ‘options’ and very little room to move. You’re the best, or you’re a failure. You starve, or you binge. You make yourself invisible, or you suffer the abuse that comes with being visible. You live, or you die. But I’m finally getting the message that life doesn’t work like that. Life is about having the effort and determination and guts and grace to keep your balance in the centre. Knowing that the pendulum might swing to the edges sometimes but that it can be brought back, you can be brought back. It’s about recognising what your equilibrium looks like and working hard to stay there. Recognising that you, just like everybody else, are worthy of peace and safety and care.
It’s hard for me to remember and practice these ideas, particularly after a period of feeling acutely suicidal. Hard to cross that line, stand on that edge, be totally convinced that it’s time to end it and yet be pulled back- gently but with great determination- towards the centre by the tiny spark inside me that knows death is not the answer. Every time. Every second that I hang on, every meal that I feed and nurture myself with, every connection I maintain with people who support me.
It’s hard but it’s worth it. So I remind you just as much as I am reminding myself: keep your balance.